Heart Spill

I thought about killing myself so many times.

Not because I’m so sad and depressed all the time — I’m learning how to deal with that. But because I just don’t know when this will all turn around for me.

I’m my worst enemy I know, but I don’t know how to be different.

There’s so much more out of life that I want that I just don’t know how to do it. Im overwhelmed with everything and I feel like time is running out.

Everyone treats me like I’m temporary. No one makes plans with me or checks up on me. I don’t hear from my friends much. I don’t get asked to go out. I don’t get taken out on dates.

Why don’t they value me? Why do I always feel so worthless to people?

I feel like I’m stuck in a cage I can’t get out of — mentally and physically.

I don’t know what I want to do for work. I don’t have a clear vision of that. I don’t have a passion. I don’t have motivation. I don’t have a business idea.

I’m sad all the time. I can’t express to anyone how I really am truly feeling. I always feel like a burden or like I’m being judged. I was told that it was exhausting so I stopped. I don’t want sympathy either, just some care and empathy.

I don’t think of myself as a victim of life either. I appreciate how strong I am to have been through so much. But i feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives already and I’m exhausted.

I don’t feel loved or liked.

I find it hard to speak to people and create relationships with them.

I find it hard to open up and be vulnerable.

I don’t have a 5-year plan. I don’t know where I want to be, who with and when.

I have numbed myself out for so long. I can’t repress my true self anymore.

I just want a happy life. I want friends. I want my boyfriend to see a future with me and love me for real. I want my own place to live. I want a good job. I want to be happy.